3 posts tagged “ponderances”

I've been thinking a lot today about how much I've changed. I can't even place when some of these changes have occurred. It's hard to really explain. I've been think mostly in terms of school but it really applies to my life as a whole. I noticed these specific things in the school setting but they're also present in a lot of other situations. Just in the last two years, I've actually been speaking in class. I don't know if it's just that I am more comfortable in general or if it's the group of people. I'm singing in music class...not just like pretending to sing but actually singing. In Ed. Psych. I'm actually talking in class. The week before last, Jessie and I were talking about something after class and the professor was so excited that she actually came over and was telling us that we should keep those things in mind in a few weeks when we're talking about that in class. She talked to us for like five minutes, at least. I was just thinking about things like that. I'm not nervous about making my presentations in Corrective Reading or any of my other classes. I wasn't anywhere near as nervous as I thought I was going to be in Music when I had to sing in front of the entire class by myself when I was teaching a lesson. I've been more confident in myself even though I've been kind of down lately. It's very strange. I was always the girl who had the shaky voice when speaking in front of the class. I remember in high school when we had the honors assembly my senior year and the NHS officers had to read names in front of the entire school and they gave me the shortest list because they knew how quiet I was. I just can't believe I went from that girl to the girl who sings in front of the entire class and is fine. I think that I'm a lot more comfortable when I'm around certain people. I feel more uncomfortable when I'm around certain people would probably be a more accurate statement, especially if I feel like these people are very, very critical. I find that when I'm around critical people that I am more critical of myself. I hate being around people who can find flaw in everything because I feel like that draws me into hypercritical mode. I don't want to be that person. That is why it's very hard for me to be around some of my roommates. Morgan is probably the most critical person I know and whether that comes from just pure bitchiness or just plain insecurity, it's so draining to even be around her. We have physical science together and there is another girl that sits at our table and we work on labs together and the very first day Morgan was like ugh she can't ever get to class on time and blah blah blah and I kind of let the influence me a little. I did try to defend the girl though by saying well maybe she has ten minutes to get all the way across campus and stuff. I realized though that I didn't really give her much of a chance, whether it be because of Morgan or just that I don't tend to give people a chance or a little of both. I'd like to think that I don't let other people influence me but let's face it, we all do. But I did give this girl a chance and she's really cool. We joke around during experiments and in class and even before class. I think it makes Morgan uncomfortable because she used to sit on the left side of me and the other girl sat on the right side of me and now Morgan sits between us. It's kind of amusing. I don't know how I went from talking about me to this but okay. 

I've been thinking a lot about things about myself that most people don't know. I guess because I've been having a really hard time lately and I get frustrated with people because they don't understand me. People don't understand me because I haven't necessarily put a lot of things about myself forth so they are able to understand me. So kind of my own fault sort of thing.

So I got this bulletin on my myspace from Joleen and I thought it was pretty interesting. Generally I hate those cheesy girl boy things but this one was surprisingly accurate...Like when a girl wants a hug she will just stand there...so true for me which is kind of funny. So I decided that I was going to copy and paste some of the ones I felt applied to me...

When a girl is quiet, millions of things are running through her mind.

When a girl is not arguing, she is thinking deeply.

When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions, she is wondering how long you will be around.

When a girl answers, "I'm fine, " after a few seconds, she is not at all fine.