3 posts tagged “depressed”

I don't mean to nag. I don't want to be needy or clingy. I don't like being moody. I'm just having a really hard time right now. Between my living situation, school and work, I feel like I can't ever win. Nothing I ever do is good enough in this apartment. I could clean the apartment with my toothbrush, from top to bottom, taking weeks and it still wouldn't be good enough. It's really hard to live here. Really hard. It's hard to come home and not feel comfortable cooking food in my own kitchen. I hate coming home and walking up the stairs to hear talking abruptly stop. I know they talk about me. I know they hate me. I know they tell other people horrible things about me. And I'm not the kind of person that can just say fuck them. It hurts my feelings. I can't pretend I don't know what's going on. School is ridiculous. I don't really care about my classes. I hate half of them. Work is ridiculous. My boss is a jerk. Half the guys I work with are jerks. I just hate how everything seems to fall apart at once. And even if everything doesn't fall apart, half of it does and then I worry about the rest of it falling apart and am miserable anyway. I was feeling pretty good over spring break because I didn't really have to deal with classes and roommates and everything but then they all came back. I had a seizure last friday and spent all day saturday throwing up and then I've felt out of it ever since. It's been slowly getting better but I still feel a little fuzzy around the edges. I worry a lot about people hating me and seizures don't make me feel any better about that. Epilepsy is weird. Who wants to hang out with the girl who has seizures? People already don't want to deal with me because I don't take the trash out every single day whether it's full or not so clearly seizures are worse. I feel like I just can't win right now, I honestly do. I had my audit yesterday. If I had only done a little bit better in that stupid class last semester. If I had gotten a C+ instead of a C, I would've been fine. So now I have to retake the class this summer. Way to screw things up once again. You'd think that after being in school for seven years now I'd be smart enough to pass a class...but no. Maybe I just need a break. I'm just really frustrated right now. I don't know...

Today is my parents' anniversary. They will have been married twenty five years. And I only know this because their anniversary is whatever year I turn months from now in September...

I am so behind in my classes. I definitely didn't want spring break to be over yet. I need to get started on my edu 431 case study. I will call today after I get out of class at 3:15. And if the teacher isn't there I'll get up early tomorrow morning. I had meant to get up this morning but I fell asleep before I set my alarm. I fell asleep around midnight with the light and the television on and didn't wake up until 9 this morning. Then, of course, I shut everything off and went back to bed. Apparently I'm still a little run down.

I'm totally lost in two of my classes too. I don't understand how everyone can be playing the piano and recorder after like five minutes. And then he teaches to that part of the class, after he sits up at the front of the classroom telling us how we're supposed to teach. I'm kind of lost in PHS 251 as well. But it's the kind of lost that I expect from a science class, more specifically a physical science class. But a music class is a little ridiculous to be lost in. I don't know anything about music though. I've never played an instrument. In elementary school, the extent of my music class was let's all sing this song at the same time. And I wasn't in band in middle and high school. And I think I have a test today...but I'm hoping it's going to be a lot like the last test we had in which we could work with people. I don't know...I'm just not excited about this semester, I'm not excited about my roommates all being here and I'm not excited about work. I'm just not really happy with anything right now, I guess.

I found a paper from class that Brandon's roommate had doodled on while I was at their apartment. He had drawn himself, his girlfriend, Brandon and I. I was drawn twice as wide as everyone else.

It's one thing for me to think that I am fat. It's entirely different to know that someone else does. And it's also entirely different to know that someone thinks it and felt the need to draw it on paper like it was funny. I know I'm not skinny. I've never been skinny. I will probably never be skinny. But why does that matter to him? Why is that funny? How long has he been laughing about it and I just didn't know?

I'm so sick of people saying horrible things. I already know that I'm fat and that I'm not cute. I don't understand why people feel the need to make fun of me and say these things to me. Why is that fun for people? It just hurts so bad to already be thinking these things about myself and to find out people are saying them about you. I've been so depressed lately and this is the last thing I needed.