2 posts tagged “backstabbers”

I'm watching a comedy special on Comedy Central. It's Ellen DeGeneres. I feel a little bit better now. A muffin would make me feel better too but I think I'd puke. My stomach has been more than a little upset today. I think I was physically ill at the thought of coming back to my apartment. I almost had to pull over on my way back to the apartment tonight because the dry heaves nearly became the not so dry heaves. Gross. It makes me angry that it's so bad here that not only do I not want to go home but I feel ill at the thought of it, like actually physically ill. It makes me angry partly because I've let them affect me this way but partly because they're that horrible. I can't help it that I feel this way. It's not so easily dismissed for me, things affect me deeply. Especially situations like this. It's not simply oh my roommates are terrible. I thought these girls were my friends. They betrayed me. They've spread horrible lies and gossip and whatever else you want to call it about me. They've turned people that I thought were my friends against me. They're just plain mean to me. But they're nice to me to my face. It's very hard for me to handle. I think I'm a decent person. I honestly do and they way they treat me just kills me. I don't deserve it. I really don't. And I hate being told to just forget about it, that they're not worth it and whatever else everyone tells me. I understand people are trying to help, I do but if it was that simple then it certainly wouldn't be affecting me so much because I know that they're not worth it and that I should just forget about it. But it's easier said than done. People who say things like that don't have to deal with this situation day in and day out. They don't have to come home every night wondering how hostile you're going to be treated today. I hope so much  that they ALL leave for spring break.
I got so upset with Brandon tonight. I had asked him yesterday if he would go with me to this stupid school board meeting that I have to go to for Foundations because I didn't want to go alone. He told me he didn't really want to but he would so I wouldn't have to go alone. I didn't expect him to want to go to a school board meeting. I didn't even want to go. I just didn't want to sit there by myself. That was all. Then when I called him this afternoon before the meeting he pretty much ditched me. It was kind of like I'm going to see how many times I can say I guess I'll go but I don't want to before you get upset with me and say just forget it. Which I did because I was really upset and I knew I was going to be stupid and cry and I just wanted to get off the phone before I did. Just...I don't know...I don't necessarily want to do all of the things that he wants to or that he asks me to do with him. But I think that part of a friendship, a real friendship is being there for the other person even if it's not convenient or it's not your idea of the best night ever or the most fun ever. I don't think that's too much to ask. I feel like I have done a lot for him that I didn't necessarily want to do and wasn't really fun for me but I did because I care and he is my friend. I feel like he just doesn't care. Like it would have killed him to go to that stupid school board meeting and sit for an hour and a half. I was upset Saturday night too because he dropped me off at my apartment. I sat here and no one was home and Morgan and Rachel were out with Maribeth and all I could do was sit here and think about how horrible they are and how I can't believe that Maribeth actually believes the lies they tell her and Ryan and everyone else and I got upset thinking that maybe I was a horrible person. I called him and I don't even remember what I said but I was upset and he just didn't care because he was tired. And I know it's stupid to be upset about these things because they're little things but they're not to me...they're big things to me in the context of the way my life has been going lately. I assign these things with such catastrophic meaning like Brandon dropped me off at my apartment and I got upset and he didn't turn around and come back here and hang out with me so I didn't have to be alone because he doesn't care. But it's not just that. It's a hundred little things that add up to me feeling like that right now. Between my roommates, my boss and coworkers, things with school and stuff I just can't help but feel like no one cares. It's stupid and childish but it's the truth. It's how I feel. I don't know. Maybe I do need to sleep on it...

I saw Maribeth yesterday at the Family Dollar. She sat and chit chatted with me and acted like she was my friend. Then last night she and Morgan and Rachel went out last night. They probably sat and talked about me. It really hurts to know that someone you thought was your friend is so easily swayed by the bullshit someone else makes up. It honestly really hurts. I can't believe she and Ryan both act this way towards me now. I'd like to know what Morgan told them. I honestly would because it has to be something pretty bad...I'd like to think they wouldn't completely ignore me because Morgan told them I don't clean the apartment on a regular basis. I just wish that people could understand where I'm coming from. I feel like no one understands how hard it is for me to be here and for me to deal with this. Why is it that I have such a hard time getting along with people? Why do all my roommates end up hating me and trying to make my life miserable. And why do people believe them that I'm such a terrible person? Is it that easy to believe? Am I really such a terrible person? I mean first there was Joanna and Kristy and everyone believed them that I was the worst roommate ever. Now there's Rachel and Morgan and people believe them. Why do people think I'm horrible? Why do I have to deal with this over and over and over? I just don't understand. Maybe I am a horrible person...