They ask a lot of really weird questions when they call for hospital preadmission.
Is it weird that I keep thinking "what if this time I really die?" and then thinking "oh well, I guess that's what's meant to be"
That sounds mildly suicidal and I'm not. I'm not depressed either. I just can't see worrying about something that I have no control over. I'm having a hard time worrying about the stuff I have control over. I just can't seem to get over this I don't give a shit attitude I have right now, no matter how hard I try.
The hospital preadmission lady asked if I had any mental illnesses or conditions. When my mom asked what kind of questions they asked and I told her that one, she said you should have told them yes. She was totally serious. She said well after what you've been through in the last four months, you probably do have a mental illness or condition. I was like wow thanks mom.
I happen to think that I'm doing better than I was before I even got sick. But whatever I guess. It only matters what I think anyway.
I won't be doing my student teaching in the fall. I got the letter a few weeks ago but just picked it up from the post office on monday. I was a little upset but I guess it was to be expected. I didn't finish those two classes. It's for the best, honestly. I still have that diversity requirement of an urban school to fulfill and I would not have had time to cram in 30 hours while I was student teaching. And those have to be done before I can graduate. I also have to take three state tests before I can get my teaching certificate so I would have had to cram that in also and they recommend you get that out of the way before student teaching. I also feel like I need more time to prepare myself. At least I will after friday. I could handle sitting in a class after having surgery but I feel like an entire day in an elementary school classroom would be a little much right after surgery...much less five days in a row. I feel like I would be forever trying to catch up and I hate that feeling. I felt that way all last year and it drove me crazy. Even on breaks I felt like I was behind. I just want to be like this. The way I feel now. I don't want to go back to how I felt and how I was all last year. It literally almost killed me. And the one nice thing about having to put off my student teaching until spring is that I will be doing my student teaching with Alexis as she is also doing hers in the spring. It will be nice to have a friend to sit through those boring seminars with and to be able to talk to about student teaching. And seriously, it's taken me this long to get through school, what's another semester? I'm not worried about it.
I talked to Kristen last night and that was good. She said a few things that were really helpful. It's always nice to get an outsiders perspective about a situation. Someone that knew all the details but wasn't involved and could offer some insight into things that I might not have realized. I'm glad she ended up living with us. That was one good thing about last year.
My dad asked me something last night. He was like so I was going through my phone the other day and is there any chance of reconciliation with Brandon or can I delete his phone number? I started laughing and my mom was like well I'm sure if we ever needed it back we could just ask. Like this was actually a serious conversation. I finally stopped laughing enough to tell my dad that he was more than welcome to keep his number and call Brandon if he wanted to, maybe Brandon would talk to him. Then everyone else laughed but they were actually having a serious discussion before that. Wow.
I signed up for the oddest assortment of classes for fall semester. Introduction to outdoor environmental education.
I'm kind of excited about that one, I'm not going to lie.
I'm pretty sure the iron is on fire now because I only intended to sit down and check my email while it was heating up....oops
I used to be the girl that had to have everything figured out and spent endless amounts of time analyzing every situation. I had to know what was going to happen or what everything meant. But right now, I prefer being in the place I am at now. I like not knowing what's going on. I like having these interesting surprises every day. It's weird.
I wish that I wasn't leaving in a few days.
the new Frito guy is very cute and he's also very nice.
Sometimes I worry that I'll never be okay. There's always something wrong with me and I never seem to get better. The nurse practitioner that I talked to Monday asked me if I was running a fever and I told her I didn't know. Then today it occurred to me after I shut my air conditioner off because I was freezing and now I'm so hot I feel terrible that that pretty much means I have a fever. That on top of the fact that my stomach is swollen again and I'm not hungry ever is just spectacular. I just want this to be over with. It was an appendix. It ruptured. That should have been it. It's now over three months later and I still feel like crap. For an organ you don't really need, it sure does cause a lot of trouble. I'm just so cranky today.
I was cleaning this morning and unpacking my boxes of books. I have over 150 books for my classroom. After I counted them I found a bunch more. Plus, I think there's another box somewhere. Ridiculous.
Nothing ever works out the way you planned.
Nobody ever ends up being who you had hoped they would be.
Nowhere is ever what it seems at first glance.
Also, Muse is pretty awesome. I hated them on principle. They were that cool "indie" band that everyone liked. They're actually pretty good. Random thought of the day.
What if real life was like facebook and myspace? When you deleted people you'd never have to see them again. Changing a part of your life would be as simple as clicking edit. And people would only see the parts of you that you wanted them to see. Life would be so much more simple.
It's been an interesting couple of days. Evan stopped into work Friday...and proceeded to look at me like I had three heads when I walked into the backroom and he saw me for the first time. Then he completely ignored the people he had been talking to and talked to me for ten minutes. Then he came back the next day to talk to Gene and came back and helped me with what I was doing even though he wasn't working that day. I found this all very interesting. I told Marc that Evan looked at me like I had three heads and Marc was like yeah well I did too when you first came back. You look totally different. I didn't think I looked that much different. Especially now that it's been so long since I've been out of the hospital. I have some color now!!
There's some stuff going on with my sister at home. I'm kind of worried about her because I know my mom can be pretty awful sometimes. I called her the other day and she seemed to be doing okay. She was staying with a friend and she hasn't been home since Friday night.
I woke up yesterday with horrible stomach pains. The kind that felt better when I was curled up in a little ball in bed. The kind that were very similar to the ones that kept me in bed for two days before I finally agreed to go to the hospital to find out my appendix had ruptured a week before. My stomach has bothered me on and off the past two days. I was feeling kind of crappy tonight and then I ate something and went to the park with Alexis. I don't know if it was the dinner or the hour and a half walk but I felt a lot better tonight. This afternoon was rough. I'm not going to lie. I cried for the first time in like a month. I talked to my sign language professor after class today to see if there was any possible way I could take the final on a different day because I had a doctors appointment that day. I could've gone to the history final and then left and made it. But she is having surgery so she has a bunch of appointments and stuff and there wasn't any way to work it out. I just figured it was worth a try. The stomach ache made me nervous and I didn't want to put off the appointment if I didn't have to. Which is funny because any other time I would've cancelled it and then forgot to reschedule. Almost dying changes your perspective on doctor's appointments which is especially funny because I don't want to go to Dr Valjee's and find out that I have to have the surgery like immediately. Or find out something else...like there's another terrible complication. But after I left Darcy's class, I was driving back to my apartment and thinking about it. Maybe it was the fact that I said it out loud when I was talking to her and that made it more real or something...I don't know. But I cried because I was scared. Not only about the whole getting sick thing. My family is going up north next week. What if something happens between now and then? Will I be able to get ahold of them? Will someone else? What do I do if it happens here in Mt Pleasant? I don't want to go to the hospital here. Then I started freaking out because I realized Brandon obviously isn't around to take me to the hospital if I couldn't drive myself and wouldn't be there to visit me like he did before. I calmed myself down though by thinking about the people that are around that I could count on if the need arose. And reminding myself that my stomach ache could have been a number of things. It could've been something I ate. It could've been stress, I did have that stupid sign language project yesterday that I had to do in front of the whole class. I don't know. But when I got home, I was so mad at myself for getting upset about it because that never solves anything. If it happens, it happens and there's nothing I can do about it.
I talked to Kevin. He told me about his guy problems and we talked for awhile. We eventually ended up just joking around about random stuff. It was good to talk to him. I haven't heard from him in awhile because I didn't realize he had a new screen name. It's too bad it got so late because there was a lot I wanted to talk to him about. We had fun though.
I'm thinking of getting a new aim screen name...
