sra’s blog

Sometimes I get to the point where I just want to strangle Chris. Aside from all the little things that have been driving me crazy over the last couple of weeks. I mean honestly, he knows what kind of crap I've been getting at work. He knows they're throwing a fit about us dating and saying it's affecting our work habits. He knows that the main reason Doug wants me out for at least half the time is because of him and Jon. So then why and the hell does he stand and talk to someone for a fucking hour. I understand that he hasn't seen Dan in a very long time. Months really. But he's got the guys phone number...give him a goddamn phone call. I can see talking to him for a few but it was an hour because I know he kept talking after I left. And then when I paged him and asked what he was doing, he acted like I was being a bitch. ME!! The one who has stuck up for him and gotten shit about him for the last six months. I've been getting hell for basically dating him and he's going to fucking stand around. He knows if dairy looks like shit they're going to be pissed at me...not him. He fucking knows I've been in tears for the last how many days I've worked over stupid shit so why make it worse. Does he just not care??? And then he left work and went over to the guys house!! If you were going to hang out after work why would you stand there and talk!??!?! I just want to punch him in the face. And he was being a dick to me too when I sent him a text to see if he was going to be home or if it was pointless to wait up to talk to him. I didn't say it quite that bitchy but I'm pissed off right now. I mean really jesus christ act  like you give a shit about me for once in the last couple of months. I've put up with an awful lot of shit. Not just about dating him at work either. But I mean really. Act like you fucking care. I'm still pissed about valentines day. We were talking about what significance the day has and I said it was a day to show your significant other how much you care. And his arguement for forgetting was that you should be doing that every day. It didn't occur to me until a few days later but he doesn't do that either. And I do all the time. When has he ever rubbed my back when my back was sore? When was the last time he brought me food? We went to that wedding shower on Saturday...and I dressed up...did he tell me I looked nice? No. He's never told me that I look nice. He's never said I was pretty or cute or anything like that. In fact the only comment he's ever made about my appearance is the occasional comment about my boobs. I'm just so irritated. I want to scream but I don't want to be the crazy girl. I feel a little bit better after venting.

They are trying to give my job to Tracy. Doug said he's going to talk to Lisa about having Tracy and I alternate who runs the backroom. There's no way in hell I will work with her if she's doing my job. I talked to the union rep about it and I wanted to talk to Lisa but she left. Ridiculous.

Anna's being a bitch too. She called Doug and told him Chris and were just standing around or some stupid crap. She saw us talking three times. Once out on the floor because i was in tears stocking yogurt and he asked what was wrong. And after she told him to get up to frozen, tracy came out and asked what was wrong and stood and talked to me and anna walked right by and didn't say a word. The second time  I walked down to talk to Lisa and she wasn't down there but Chris walked back to punch in from break. All I did was ask if he'd seen Lisa and he said no but that he was just punching in from break. She came down and yelled at us. The third time was at the baler. I was throwing away boxes and he threw a couple in and it went off so he was taking care of that. She walked down and acted bitchy. Apparently we are just not allowed to even say two words to each other. Everyone else can talk but not Chris and I because we are dating. Ryan pulled the same shit. When Doug and Lisa were on his case, he blamed it all on Chris and I. Bullshit.

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past couple of days. And I do mean a lot of thinking. About a lot of things. Money being one of them. I did take care of a lot of stuff Tuesday morning before work regarding bills and the like so that is great. However, my bank account certainly reflects it. But I've decided to change my spending habits and that should somewhat fix my problems. I also talked to dad about filing my taxes online myself and he thought it was a good idea so that will save me fifty bucks and I'll get my return quicker which hopefully **fingers tightly crossed** will give a savings account balance that I am more comfortable with. Dad also told me that his savings account is in similar shape which made me feel loads better.

I have also been thinking about Chris alot. Which is hard not to do when everyone keeps asking me about him or how I'm doing without him here. I figured work would make things easier on me because then I could keep myself busy but it's even hard to be there without him. That sounds kind of crazy but it really is difficult because most of the time he is there and if he's not then I know I'll see him after work and he might stop in or whatever but this week I get nothing. I mean I'm not saying that I'm sitting here wallowing in my misery all week because I could go call people and go out but I don't want to. I want to relax. I want to curl up with my boyfriend and watch scrubs all night and I can't do that. And it's hard to sit here thinking about how much fun he's having on vacation without thinking awful things. Like he didn't call me yesterday or today so I'm sitting here like oh he's probably not even thinking about me at all, I probably haven't even crossed his mind which makes me sad. And I mean really...why think things like that....I know it's stupid to think things like that but it's like I told Tracy yesterday...it's really really hard to be the one here alone when he's off having a blast somewhere on vacation and not think things like that once in a while. It's awful being a girl and having that awful nagging low self confidence part of you that likes to pick at you when you're feeling down. That's the best way to explain it really. I've also been thinking alot him in general. Things I miss. Weird things. I was listening to the radio and they played a Coheed song and even though I pick on Chris so much for listening to one band all the time, I listened to the song and I missed hearing him sing along. I miss curling up next to him and watching television. I miss talking to him. And picking on him. I miss his neckbeard. I miss a lot things that I never realized I would. It's complicated to try to explain. There were a lot of things that I took for granted I guess would be the best way to put it. Things I didn't realize were there. And now that he's not around for a few days I'm like holy crap  I miss having someone come up behind me at work, grab my waist and scare the crap out of me. Just weird little things like that. Maybe his vacation was a good thing because I was starting to get...I don't know the best word...put off maybe...by a lot of stupid things. And then the crap with Danielle AGAIN. I was getting agitated by a lot of little things. And maybe I needed that break...time away to remind me of all the good things...the things that made me want to date him in the first place. I don't know...I'll probably look at this in a few days and be like what the hell were you talking about?

If the person you liked signed onto your MySpace right now and read your messages would they be mad?
I don't believe so

Has anyone told you they would never leave and left?
yes

What' s wrong with you right now?
I'm sad because Chris is gone all week

What was the first thing you said when you woke up today ?
well my alarm went off super early considering this was my day off because I was waiting for fedex to bring my new phone so I could finally have a phone AGAIN so it was probably a groan...or I was talking to one of the dogs in which case I have no idea what I said

What did you do this weekend?
Friday night Chris and I went out to dinner and I worked Saturday and Sunday

Do you like your first name?
aside from all the misspelling of my name over the years, I do like my first name a lot

Do you regret doing something today ?
No but I sort of regret not doing a whole lot today but to be honest, I think I needed a slacker day...I spend a lot of my days running around...if I'm working I spend 10 1/2 hours there which is the majority of a day and on my days off I'm generally running errands and just random crap...I needed a lazy day to destress from the last week or two

What did you realize today ?
a lot of things

How many hours did you sleep last night ?
almost six

Have you ever cried while in the shower?
probably

Bet you' re missing someone now?
I definitely am, a lot more than I thought I would too

What were you doing this morni ng at 7:00 AM?
getting up

Do you wear the seat belt in the car?
always

What are you liste ning to right now?
jon and kate plus 8

Do you find it in your heart to forgive?
I am too forgiving of a person which always comes back to bite me in the ass but that is who I am

Do you have any piercings?
just the ears

Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed?
it's a possibility....it was early so I don't remember...it was also a few days ago

When was the last time you yelled at someone?
at work Sunday...I think I was only half serious lol

If your ex said they hate you, you say?
I don't say anything. I don't keep in contact with ex's so I wouldn't have a clue that they said anything about me. Not to mention the fact that I've never done anything to an ex that they would hate me for.

Are you the same person as you were at the beginning of 2008?
I don't think so.
But I don't think anyone is the same person they were at the beginning of a year

Who is the last perso n you high- fived ?
I can actually...it was Kenny at work on Sunday

If you were drafted into a war, would you survive?
they would never draft me...they would take one look at my health record and go nevermind you stay here...lol and that is perhaps the only positive to having epilepsy and a stomach full of surgical scars

Do you sleep with the tv on?
I find, now that I'm older, that I can sleep through a lot of things depending on the day so I can fall asleep with the television on.
However, I do not fall asleep with the television on intentionally as I usually wake up in the middle of the night because of it

Have you ever been stung by a bee?
Indeed. I still laugh about bee stings when I think about Katie getting stung in the butt when she was like four or five because she was sitting on the front steps while mom brushed her hair and a bee flew between the crack in the steps and stung her in the butt...best story ever

How fast can you type?
I can type pretty fast but not if you cover the keyboard like they try to do in typing classes.
I have to be able to at least glance down to make sure my fingers are in the correct place

Do want a Fanta ?
No but now I have that stupid song from the Fanta commercial stuck in my head

Can you hula hoop?
um I think eventually my uncoordinated body can manuever its hips in the correct motion that could be considered hula hooping....

Do you talk in your sleep ?
I actually do which I never knew until I went away to school and my roommate woke me up because I had apparently been talking about something weird in my sleep

Do you wish on your fallen eyelashes?
No but when eyelashes fall out I always wonder if I have an eyelash bald spot

Are you ready to rumble?
haha I was last week...but this week I'm a lot more mellow

Can you handle the truth ?
I'll be able to handle it eventually

Were you single on your last birth day?
No I was not and I got pretty roses on my last birthday from some guy ;)

Are you wearing a sports shirt ?
Nope CMU hoodie

How much longer until your birthday?
8ish months

How was your day today ?
a little stressful at first and then fairly mellow

What was the last movie you watch ed?
I was watching an american haunting earlier today but it wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
I do....the picture chris took of himself on his cruise ship and sent me when I told him I missed him....what a dork

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
not at all

Where were you at 8 am this morning?
in the shower

Do you fall for people easily?
Not at all actually.
It takes a lot to get under this hard shell :p

What was the last song you listened to?
I was listening to Linkin Park awhile ago but I can't remember which song was the last one I listened to

Do you know any alcoholics your age?
Not specifically.

Is there anything you should be doing right now?
No

How long have you known your best friend?
years

Where were you an hour ago?
at home upstairs

Who are the first and last people in your phone ' s contacts?
the first one is Chris and I'm not sure about the last one...I just got the phone today and I don't have anyones number other than my family and chris...

What' s 1 thing you do when you' re mad?
I shut people out when I'm angry...so I look away whether it be out the window, at the television, off in space

Ever been called a bitch ?
probably

Do you have a job?
I do have a job. And while it's definitely not the job I want for the rest of my life or even the rest of this year for that matter, I have a job which is more than a lot of people are able to say right now in this economy.

Are you LEGALLY able to drive ?
yes

Ever thrown up in a car?
No but I've throw up on the doorframe of the passenger side of a car while trying to throw up out an open door....that was a bad bad day...which turned into a terrible summer....that was the ruptured appendix incident not a drunk night out with the friends....I would have preferred the awful hangover that would have accompanied that to the awful pain and distress I went through that whole summer

How many people on your top friends list do you know in real life?
on my top friends, I know all of them....on my friends list in general there are a few that I don't know but I know most of them

What was the first thing you thought this morning?
god it's only monday

What' s your last text say?
Ditto

What was the last thing you laughed out loud about ?
I don't know

Do you have any saved texts ?
yep on all three phones lol...too bad I won't be able to get those off of the red phone...there were some good ones :(

Would you rather have long or short hair?
long enough that I can pull it back and not have little pieces falling out of my hair clip

What is the longest you have ever talked on the phone ?
3ish hours maybe I don't know...it's been a long time

Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
yes

Last time you talked to your number one?
on the phone, yesterday
via text, today
in person, early saturday morning before he left for vacation

Are you wearing make up?
nope

Are you currently frustrated with a boy or girl?
kinda

What scares you more: snakes or spiders?
I don't know...see daddy long leg type spiders don't scare me...but the fat spiders creep me out...and I wouldn't have a problem with snakes if I knew what kind of snake they were

Do you trust people?
no

What is something you say when you' re mad?
usually nothing at all

Are you friends with your neighbors?
not technically....my dad is though so the guy always says hi

When is the next time you' ll see the second person on your top?
possibly tomorrow

Has anyone ever sang to you?
yes indeed and I will always laugh when I hear that song

Has anyone ever told you you were beautiful?
yes

What bugs you the most?
haha that depends on the day

What does the 3rd text in your inbox say?
something about isabelle playing with a spoon

Last person you gave your number to, guy or girl?
ha I don't even remember

Where is your phone?
right next to me on the bed

Last beverage?
water

What do you want right now?
I want a lot of things

Have you hugged anyone in the past 72 hours ?
I hugged Sally at work because she was crying and I felt bad for her

Last December, what was your love life like?
the term love life makes me laugh....it sounds so nerdy

Would ever become a vegetarian ?
hell no...I like meat too much...which is funny because I didn't like a whole lot of meat before I got sick

Do you have nice eyes?
I think I have pretty eyes

What is something you need to go shopping for?
top secret shopping plans...they're on a need to know basis

Is your Myspace profile private?
indeed

What color is your tooth brush ?
blue and green and I also have a pink one

What' s the last thing you purchased?
lunch at work yesterday

What' s your relationship with the person you last texted?
she's my sister

Chris and I went to Outback Steakhouse last night. It was great. And it was nice to spend time with him before he left. I really do honestly like him so much. I love talking to him even if it's about cars and I don't understand half of what he says. And he actually asked how my doctors appointment went today. That was the first thing he asked. And when I said it was okay, he actually asked me questions about it. It's nice to feel like he cares what's going on with me and he is concerned about me and my health. I like spending time at his house. I like talking with his mom. And one of my favorite things to do is watch movies or scrubs or big bang theory curled up with him in bed. I would be happy spending a whole day doing that. I just wish I didn't have to deal with stupid crap like exgirlfriends. If it weren't for her, things would be fantastic. I hate feeling like I always have to watch my back. And I want more than anything to trust my boyfriend but sometimes there's just that small nagging voice in the back of my mind that wonders if he's hiding things from me. Things were so much easier for me when I wasn't so involved. But now I just feel so open and vulnerable and that scares the hell out of me. I don't like being so dependent on someone always being there that I worry about what I'm going to do for a week while they're gone. But when I realized that he was really going to be gone for a week and I didn't know what I was going to do with myself for a whole week, I freaked out. I don't depend on people. I don't like being vulnerable. He's in Florida right now and I miss him so much. He hasn't even been gone twenty four hours and I'm like holy crap what am I going to do until saturday or sunday. Jesus christ. He's probably having a blast in nice warm weather and hasn't even thought about me. He called when the plane landed though. And it was his idea too...I hadn't even thought about it especially since I don't have a phone but I had to work today so he called the work phone. I wish he was here. I'm sleepy and I want to go to bed but I don't want to sleep alone.

Chris and I talked. For a very long time. He listened to what I had to say about the whole danielle thing. I don't know if it will fix anything but it's in his hands now. I said what I had to say. If this crap doesn't change then he obviously doesn't give a shit how I feel. And I don't even want to think about it if that's the case. I don't think I ask for a lot. I really don't. I hope that maybe I opened his eyes to what's going on. We both said a lot of things that we needed to say. I probably ended up doing the most talking but I had a lot to say. A lot of things that I haven't said in the last six months. A lot of things that I just let go and never said anything about...so hopefully things will get better.

Silver Springs by Fleetwood Mac
You could be my silver springs
Blue green colors flashin'
I would be your only dream
Your shining autumn, ocean crashing
And did you say she was pretty
And did you say that she loves you
Baby, I don't wanna know

I'll begin not to love you
Turn around, see me runnin'
I'll say I loved you years ago
Tell myself you never loved me, no
And did you say she was pretty
And did you say that she loves you
Baby, I don't wanna know
Oh, no
And can you tell me was it worth it
Really, I don't wanna know

Time casts a spell on you, but you won't forget me
I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me

[Instrument solo]

Time casts a spell on you, but you won't forget me
I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me
I'll follow you down til' the sound of my voice will haunt you You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you
[3x]

You could be my silver springs
My blue green colors flashin'

I've never thought of myself as a jealous person. I like to think I'm fairly laid back and easygoing. But honestly, I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. Chris is very important to me but this exgirlfriend bullshit is just too much sometimes. And it shouldn't be. I mean honestly...they are called EX's for a reason. The sad thing is is that I never had a problem with this girl. You know...their relationship didn't work out whatever...they were friends before they started dating and I was fine with them still being friends. I told him that from the beginning. But this girl is a nutcase. Talking shit about me to Chris. Talking shit about me to Kenny and saying she's going to break Chris and I up. And then the myspace and facebook messages. Nuts! And for some reason Chris can't see this. Or he does and doesn't care how much it hurts me. She's so manipulative and bitchy. Why do guys miss out on those qualities? Do they have bitch blinders or something? I mean this girl tries to start shit every other month. She's already got some poor sucker. Why does she have to start shit with Chris again?! She just figured he'd always be around just waiting for her to say that word and get back together. That he wouldn't get sick of her shit. And now it just kills her to know that not every guy in her life is always going to be there no matter what bag of crazy she brings to the table. Some people just have no class. I just wish Chris would get her out of his life altogether. Why does she have to be on his friends list on facebook and myspace? This just drives me crazy. If he doesn't handle this shit I'm so fucking over it.  I mean serious. Put the past where it belongs in the fucking past. I've been through so much in the past few years with my health and with just crappy awful people in my life....I don't need this. I'm a good person. Why do I have to deal with this?

We should never let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes
- John F. Kennedy

Death isn't the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies
inside of us while we live.
-Norman Cousins

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
-Mother Teresa

I had my surgery on the 24th of August. I have now been out of the hospital for a week officially. The doctor told me I would be in the hospital for 2 or 3 days and I ended up there for a week. The surgery was more complicated than he counted on. The reason that I had been sick on and off for the three months after the first surgery was because I had a pocket of abscess grown around the ruptured appendix and it was eventually grown to the portion of my bowel that the appendix is attached to. My surgery was like hours longer than they thought it would be and they had to remove the part of my bowel that the appendix was attached to. The doctor figured that was the best way to safely remove the appendix and the abscess while doing the least amount of damage during the surgery. When I woke up and they told me that I was upset because the second I heard we removed part of your bowel, I thought I was going to have to live the rest of my life with one of those awful colostomy bags (which I'm sure I spelled wrong). Can you imagine? Going through what I've been through in the last four months and then ending up with these disgusting scars AND one of those things. But I had the best doctor ever and I was okay. I had to have a tube down my throat for five days and couldn't eat but after that I felt a lot better. I also found out why I was getting sick so much when I was in the hospital in Mt Pleasant. If they take that tube out too soon you will throw up because your body isn't ready to digest anything yet. I feel sorry for anyone who ends up in that awful hospital. I also had a seizure while I was in the hospital which was kind of sucky. Except the nurse didn't think I had a seizure...she thought I just randomly pulled my catheter (which again is spelled wrong I'm sure) out while it was still inflated and then didn't remember doing it...genius. She seriously laughed at me when I told her that I was pretty sure I had a seizure because I didn't remember that. How could you not remember that. Especially since they said I was sitting up which was still extremely painful to do screaming in pain because I had pulled it out still inflated. My parents had to call my neurologists office so he would come in because the nurses wouldn't. I had the seizure because of the stupid tube down my throat. They were turning it off for half an hour after I took the medication but the neurologist said that that was not long enough for the medicine to be absorbed. But I've been doing well since I've gotten home. Even being on new seizure medication. So that's great.

I was also surprised with who called and came to visit while I was in the hospital. And I was once again hurt by who didn't bother to come or call. My parents were there every day. Haily came a lot but not everyday because she didn't like the tube thing. Tisha came to visit twice. Victor came and I haven't seen him in forever. Alexis called a few times. Steve even called and he's called me like every couple of days too. However, my own sister couldn't be bothered to come and visit me. Apparently staying at her boyfriend's house was more important. My grandpa didn't visit. I think I had to call Korey. And I was, although I hate to admit it, a little upset that Brandon couldn't even bother to call or send a message or something to see if I was still alive. I know we haven't really even talked really which is not my issue because I told him several times it was up to him but he knew I was having surgery again and he certainly knew what I went through last time. I guess other things were more important. I can't stand Morgan and I sent her a facebook message to see how her student teaching was going. I don't know, it just kind of pisses me off because I was over it. It wasn't my fault and it wasn't anything I did, he was just plain awful to me but I was over it. And then it occurred to me that wow he couldn't even call to see if I was still alive. It's always hard to realize once again that you never meant anything to someone and that your friendship was obviously not important.

My mom got me a puppy. I was a little irritated because I have told her a million times that I didn't want a puppy. I wanted a dog that was a year or two old. And she got me this puppy I think the day I got out of the hospital. I still had staples in my stomach and was doped up on pain meds and she expected me to be able to take care of a puppy. A puppy that doesn't sleep through the night. Not even close to sleeping through the night. But it's been a week and he's already gotten much much better with sleeping through the night. He's stopped crying when he's put in the cage at bedtime and when he gets up in the night to go outside he doesn't cry himself back to sleep. He's even started sleeping later in the morning which is excellent. I gave him his first bath yesterday, in the kitchen sink because I can't bend over the bathtub yet and that was interesting. I was soaked and he was petrified of the water. I just hope he isn't petrified of the car when I try to take him to Mt Pleasant on Monday. That will be an even longer three hour car ride. And that's not counting pit stops for the puppy. I named him Paco because he is part Chihuahua so I figured he needed a mexican name...and there aren't any cool Dachshund names because he also part Dachshund.

Paco

He is adorable